”Car 54, Where Are You?” is one of the worst movies based on TV shows ORIGINAL FORMULA This NBC sitcom about a quirky pair of Bronx cops lasted only two seasons (1961-1963), but grew in popularity through the magic of reruns. BIG-SCREEN MAKEOVER Given an unfortunate ’90s edge, the show’s central characters became sex-crazed frat boys — with one of them (John McGinley, left) desperate to lose his virginity. LOW POINT While you’ll need to cover your eyes (and ears) to get through the sex scene between David ”Buster Poindexter” Johansen (right) and Rosie O’Donnell, it’s the former’s duet with a rapping animated canary that’ll have you reaching for the Pepto.

Miramax’s mantra for Oscar season might be described as: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. In the vein of such popular, literary minded, and award friendly releases as ”The English Patient” and ”Shakespeare in Love,” the studio is now serving ”Chocolat,” a European American production that seems designed to attract mainstream moviegoers and Academy voters alike. Starring Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp, the comedy opened in mid- December in New York and Los Angeles, and is now playing nationwide.

”Desperate Housewives”: Alma’s hidden evidence Do anyone else’s teeth hurt right now? That sack of bloodied, yellow fangs Bree found under Alma’s loose floor board will stay with me all week. I better do some extra grinding in my sleep to make sure they’re all still there. I may even use Whitestrips. Okay, maybe the teeth weren’t that gross. I did appreciate how Alma took the time to package them so beautifully in some sort of velvety jewel pouch.

[Editor’s Note: Read part 1 of Chris Willman’s interview with Kid Rock, in which the artist rails against lawyers, trash-talking rappers, and journalists.] Lately, Kid Rock has gotten a lot of publicity for landing some blows on another one of Pam Anderson’s exes, Tommy Lee. But the ring he’s really hoping to preside in is the commercial one, when his first album in five years, Rock N Roll Jesus, comes out on Oct.

Tamyra Gray’s ouster from ”American Idol” this summer may have been one of the show’s biggest upsets, but as judge Simon Cowell said at the time, ”Watch this space.” Sure enough, Gray is back, with RCA announcing Wednesday that she’s signed a record distribution deal with the label. That makes her the third of ”American Idol”’s top four finishers, after winner Kelly Clarkson and runner-up Justin Guarini, to sign with the label.

Laguna Beach: When Jess jumped Jason Laguna Beach is ending this month, and it couldn't come soon enough. I don't know how much more I can take. This week was one of the most overpowering chapters in Laguna history. How exhausting. What is it that I speak of? Could it be the return of Trey? Ha. Cedric in pink briefs? Pretty harrowing, but no. LC and Jason? Of course. Reliving the intensity of their falling out (which I did a few times, masochistic TiVo fiend that I am), I immediately recalled watershed moments like Shandi telling her boyfriend she cheated on him on Top Model's second season and Sue dissing Kelly during Survivor's first finale.

Count Olaf may have a hard time getting his hands on the Baudelaire children’s trust fund, but Jim Carrey’s latest should have no trouble grabbing the lion’s share of this weekend’s box office take. Word of mouth is strong on Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events, which will saturate multiplexes on 3,600 screens. With November’s kids’ movies having run their course, and with no Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings movies this winter, children and grown-up fantasy fans alike will flock to the flick, which should open as high as $44 million.

”Survivor: Fiji”: A coffee clash Now, I’m by no means what you would call a math genius, but last time I checked, 7 minus 2 equals 5. And 3 plus 2 equals 5. In the wonderful, wacky world of Survivor, that means that two people from the majority have flipped sides and created a 5 to 5 deadlock. If you are one of the people in the majority who did not flip, that means you could get screwed.

John Grisham is on the mound. Around him Little Leaguers run the bases and drop pop flies. Grisham swivels to watch them, then sweeps his gaze back to home plate. He winds up, tosses. An 8-year-old slaps the ball toward second. ”Good hit!” Grisham yells. Then he blows a big pink bubble and lets it POP. Grisham, 36, has been on top of the best-seller lists for 20 weeks with his novel The Firm.

”The Long, Long Trailer” is one of the best movies to watch when you’re sick at home GENRE Supersized TV Show INGREDIENTS In what’s essentially a long episode of I Love Lucy, Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz — here called “Tacy” and “Nicky” — spend their honeymoon driving across the country in a mobile home. YOU CAN SLEEP THROUGH The gratuitous musical number, ”Breezin’ Along with Breeze.” STAY AWAKE FOR The satire of ”modern” ’50s trailer culture, and the climactic sequence where Lucy and Ricky — oops, Tacy and Nicky — try to navigate a steep mountain pass HEALING POWERS Such movies are the ultimate in TV comfort food, better even than the modern big-screen updates, since they keep the cast you know and love from the series.