Emily Maynard meets men in season premiere recap

Happy tragic single mother’s day, rose lovers! I hope life has treated you well in the nine weeks since we last spoke, and that you’re rested and ready to embark on yet another romantic “journey.” I’ve gotta be honest, folks — I’m a little apprehensive about this season. It’s so much easier to handle this show when the Bachelorette is simply a dingbat (Ashley) or a purely unlikeable phony (Ali, aka Queen of Bitch Mountain) — but the prospect of watching a seemingly decent yet misguided person feed herself into the psychological threshing machine known as The Bachelorette is extremely stressful for me. And really, isn’t my comfort what matters here?

Well, my comfort and the emotional well-being of a 6-year-old girl, I suppose. The episode opens on the picturesque family tableau of Bachelorette Emily and her little girl Ricki at a park, feeding geese and having a who-can-swing-higher contest, as Emily elucidates her hopes via deliberately-spoken voiceover: “My ultimate goal in all of this is to meet somebody that I could marry and have children with and that could be that father figure in Ricki’s life.” (I’ll get all weepy if I talk about Emily’s heart-tugging backstory, so I won’t — if you don’t know it, watch it here.) So release those red balloons of hope into the sky and brush the sugar bugs out of your teeth, Ricki, because it’s time to go to bed… but not before you recite your line: “I’m thankful for love.” Awwww. Nighty-night, sleep tight — in a few weeks, you just may wake up with a new daddy!

Or, should I say, another new daddy? Emily’s first attempt at finding her fairy tale on TV ended well — “Without a doubt, I thought Brad was going to be my husband” — and then just ended. But there are no hard feelings… and now Emily is ready to saddle up and ride down that reality TV road again. Or, as she says, “Put on your big girl panties and move on with it,” quoting the great T-shirt philosopher Hanesocrates. After all, she gets lonely at night, especially after 7:30, when Ricki goes to bed. (Side note: I’m a sucker. My 2-year-old has conned me into believing that bedtime is 8 o’clock.) Miraculously, we get through this Learning to Love Again montage with nary a shot of Emily doing exercising outdoors in a jog bra and spandex booty shorts… wow, maybe this season of The Bachelorette really will be different!

Perhaps the biggest change is to Casa Bachelorette — a role that’s now being played by a Charlotte, N.C. abode we’ll call the Perpetual Husband Plantation. Our fearless host Chris Harrison (sorry to hear the news, buddy) greets us in the PHP’s flagstone courtyard to introduce us to the 25 guys who will be jamming emotional shivs in between each other’s ribs in a fight to the death for Emily:

Kalon, 25, Houston: This “luxury brand consultant” has money, a lisp possibly caused by invisible braces, oversized glasses, and a new determination to be less of a douche and more “kind of, responsible, down to earth.”

Ryan, 31, Georgia: A former pro-football player who now works as a trainer for athletes and kids. By the time he’s through with them, they’ll be able to flip that tractor tire or spring an internal hemorrhage trying! He thinks Emily is special, and his dog looks well cared for, which is always a good sign.

NEXT: Soul patch, skateboard, severe traumatic brain injury

Tony, 30 31, Oregon: When he’s not selling plywood or perfecting his lats with chest flys, he’s raising his 5-year-old son Taylor. Herewith, I will rank the saddest things about Tony: 1. His soul patch. 2. His was cuckolded by his first wife. 3. He believed producers when they promised they wouldn’t use the “What has two thumbs…” footage on national TV.

Lerone, 29, California: Look everybody! Team Bachelor cast a stray black guy! (And here I was thinking they’d simply abandoned the “token minority” approach — even after last month’s brouhaha over the show’s whiteness erupted.) Lerone is a realtor who wants to be a family man; he finds Emily’s status as a single mom “one of the most attractive things about her.”

David, 33, New York: He sings, he acts (check out his role as “Bartender” and “Dance Marathon Finalist”) and generally wants very much to be famous. He also really wants to sound smart, which leads him to say meaningless things about Emily, like, “We have all of these disparate facets that ultimately converge.”

Charlie, 32, Tennessee: Oh, I was so with this guy — a nice-looking dude who survived a balcony collapse and worked his way back from a severe traumatic brain injury — until he agreed to say this: “I may have had a head injury — but there’s nothing wrong with my heart.”

Jef, 27, Utah: It’s pretty easy to feel contempt for a pompadoured “entrepreneur” with a Peter Pan complex, but the dude’s company does help provide safe drinking water for those in need… so I’ll give him a pass for now.

Arie, 30, Arizona: The race car driver. Of course Team Bachelor went there. Are we surprised, people? I’m just amazed they didn’t dig up Ricky Hendrick’s grave, scavenge some trace DNA from his corpse, and pay a mentally unstable scientist to build them a clone in his basement. As for Arie, he seems fine. Nice hair.

To hell with the other 17 guys! Emily wants “a minivan full of babies,” and the clock’s ticking. Let’s get the limos rolling, shall we?

Curveball! Looks like Tony isn’t the only single dad in the mix: Doug the “charity director/realtor” opens by nervously confessing that he’s got an 11-year-old son. Even bigger curveball: Apparently Team Bachelor wasn’t limiting their search to the “men seeking women” category… Meet Jackson, the fitness model with the hot pink tie and terribly cliché opening line: “Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the number of moments that take our breath away. This is one of those moments.” Emily’s pleasant countenance never wavers. “You’re very sweet,” she says, with the weary, practiced politeness of a woman who’s knows more than a little about brushing off overzealous men.

Speaking of overzealous, Joe practically does a jig upon meeting the Bachelorette — and speaking of terrible pickup lines, Aaron whips off his hot librarian glasses and declares, “I’m a high school biology teacher, but I’m here to have chemistry with you.” That entrance isn’t nearly as overthought as Jef’s, however: he rolls in on a skateboard, clinging to the limo’s bumper, before dramatically ditching his deck in the bushes. I can’t quite believe I’m saying this, but she LOVES it.

NEXT: “My good friends call me Wolf”

Hard to say if Emily’s as enthusiastic about Stevie the “party MC,” who struts up the stairs toting a beat box before busting out some Electric Boogaloo dance moves. “I like to dance too,” she coos kindly. Tony manages to get a livelier response from the Bachelorette with his Prince Charming schtick — Emily doesn’t even seem to mind that the “glass slipper” he’s easing onto her foot looks more like a Lucite stripper pump. Of course, he almost forgets to tell Emily his real name, as does Randy, whose call-back to Brittney’s “grandma” maneuver on last season’s Bachelor falls flat. After that, Emily is hungry for a more masculine presence, and she seems to find what she’s looking for in Nate, an accountant with a pleasant aroma. “He’s so cute!” she whispers to herself as he walks away.

Dude, unless you are a character in Judy Blume’s Tiger Eyes, I’m willing to bet a year’s salary that no one — good friends or not — calls you “Wolf.” Your name is John. Just accept it.

Moving on… Travis seems like a perfectly nice gentleman, but his “this egg represents you and Ricki” gimmick feels like the brainchild of a man whose greatest moment in life was winning a middle school egg drop contest and who has spent the rest of his years trying to reclaim that glory. (To steal a brilliant joke from a friend of mine: “If he makes it to the fantasy suite, he’s going to bring a baking soda volcano.”) Meanwhile, singer/songwriter Michael gives Emily a guitar pick to remember him by, perhaps because he thought his web address would be too cumbersome. Alejandro from Colombia/San Francisco (not to be confused with Alessandro from Brazil/St. Paul) gushes convincingly in Spanish about how hermosa Emily looks tonight, and earns a verrry subtle lip-lick from the Bachelorette. If only the arrivals could have ended with Ryan’s sweetly dorky “You Are Beautiful” note… but alas, Kalon feels the need to distinguish himself by swooping down into the backyard via helicopter. I think Guy No One Calls Wolf speaks for all of us when he says, “Whoever this is, we’re all gonna hate him.”

And with that, let the ritual preening, chest-thumping, and displaying of hindquarters begin! “Golly, I’m nervous,” giggles Emily as 25 pairs of eyes try to bore through her nude-colored dress. The men do their best to make an impression during their brief interludes with the Bachelorette — Brent pulls out photos of his six (!) kids, Charlie pretends to sever Emily’s forefinger with his teeth — but few stand out as much as Chris, who produces two bobbleheaded idols, one carved in his own image, and one in Emily’s. (I seriously could have watched an entire episode of Bobblehead Bachelorette Theater.) Jef also makes “a great first impression,” according to Emily, but to be fair, she didn’t hear him make this ludicrously reductive statement: “Her fiancé, Ricky, died in a plane crash, and so I think she deserves the best.” No one, however, thought to bring a heart-tugging, handwritten note from an 11-year-old boy explaining why he should get the final rose — no one, that is, except Doug. “I think you should know that my dad is one of the greatest dads ever, because he always tucks me in at night… and he is always giving me hugs.” Nice work, Austin! When daddy gets back he’ll buy you that Xbox, just like he promised.

NEXT: Oh golly, it’s Dolly!

Are all of these grand gestures enough to out-First Impression an aerial entrance? Kalon sure hopes not — especially since he barely gets any one-on-one time with Emily before Sean steals her away. While Stevie and Kalon confront each other inside (the wedding DJ thinks the luxury brand pimp was hogging all of the Bachelorette’s time), the real drama is happening in the backyard, where Arie is working up the courage to tell Emily what he does for a living. “My background is in racing,” he says. Emily’s eyes widen almost imperceptibly, but her composure doesn’t crack. Arie presses on: “Like, are you ok with that?” Five full seconds pass before the Bachelorette answers, “Yeah, I am.” Still, Doug the Dad gets the first impression rose. In this game, paper crushes helicopter.

Wow, has it been almost 90 minutes already? (God bless you, Dancing with the Stars lead-in.) Make haste, production assistant, and bring out the boutonnières! Emily hands out the buds at a rapid-fire pace, with Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Arie, Charlie, Jef, Nate, Sean, Joe, Kyle, Aaron, Alejandro, John, Alessandro, Michael, Stevie, Tony, and Travis getting pinned. As for the guys going home, most are not a surprise, like Brent the one man Brady Bunch (“The kids will be sad”), Jackson (man is that tie pink!), Randy the granny, and David the Professional Soap Opera Extra. Yeah, and I’d like to say it’s a surprise that Lerone got the boot, but I think we all know that’d be a lie. Here’s to finding love in Charlotte, y’all!

From the previews, it looks like our “journey” this season will take us to London, somewhere tropical, a playground, a private Dolly Parton concert, a merry-go-round, and eventually into the middle of a no-doubt-creatively-edited confrontation where Emily tells someone (Kalon?) that if he really thinks Ricki is “baggage,” he should “get the f–k out.” I’m sold!

What about you, rose lovers? Was Emily’s premiere as the Bachelorette everything you hoped for? Do you have any favorite dudes? (So far, I’ve got a slight affinity for Bobblehead Guy.) Tell me what you think! And once you’re done NOT posting spoilers in the comments below, head over to PopWatch to read Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog. Now swaddle your egg in bubble wrap and let’s talk Bachelorette!

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