Dancing with the Stars recap: Amateur Nudes

On the week 9 performance episode of Dancing With the Stars, the final four truly stepped it up and took their clothes off already. Just kidding. They did do that, but Evan Lysacek, Nicole Scherzinger, Erin Andrews, and Chad Ochocinco turned in excellent routines for the ballroom and Latin rounds of last night’s semifinals. There was a thrill in the air! Derek was so excited/injured that he just plumb fell right down. Brooke was so excited/jealous that she wore a paso doble dominatrix costume and wouldn’t stop referring to everyone’s ”package.” Donny Osmond was so excited/proud that he remained motionless while weeping, livin’ on a prayer that his understated devotion to the televised ballroom would outshine the Star power of Kate Gosselin. (I say it did.) Bruno even said ”F—!” It was a night for the ages. This show has been on for ages.

Thanks to some adorable and often heartbreaking childhood clip segments, we learned why the remaining contestants turned out like they did. Coffee lover Evan had a growth spurt at 14 and endured a seemingly mellow smackdown from his mama that he would have to work twice as hard to be the best again. Erin still hunches a lot because she’s always been insecure about her body. Chad’s teachers used to tell him he’d never amount to anything, so he responds best when berated by Cheryl. Nicole had a grandmother named ”Tutu,” so she is obviously a ringer and has been a perfect dancer since she was born. Now we know.

Will the judges please reveal their scores? Carrie Ann Inaba!

Evan Lysacek and Anna Tre-BUN-skaya: 29 in ballroom round + 30 in Latin round = 59/60 I’m still trying to figure out what the deal was with that single ”tile” of Anna that Evan was admiring and kissing in front of the judges at the beginning of his foxtrot. Why a tile? Was he considering it for the new floor in his soon-to-be-remodeled master bathroom? Because he should. Evan decided he needed to show some personality in the foxtrot, and with some help from his adorable nephew and an iPhone, he delivered his most happy-go-lucky performance yet. At least twice, he sort of dipped Anna down diagonally with a distinct facial expression that screamed ”If you haven’t noticed it yet, check out my jaunty bow tie!” The judges loved the dance, though I’m guessing DANCMSTR docked Tom a few points (in the nightly scores he awards to Tom) for messin’ about with a prop cup of coffee. Bruno accused Evan of being ”high as a kite” and nearly died laughing after Tom’s mere suggestion of Bruno looking in the mirror. Pot, meet kettle. Or perhaps Ketel 10. (”Tehhhhhhhhn!”)

NEXT: The whirler is a vampire

Evan’s paso doble was probably my favorite dance of his in a ”proving yourself as not just a total cutie but a potential DWTS winner” capacity. I loved that he ripped off Anna’s skirt to use it as a cape for his solo, then ditched the cape after a few seconds in favor of some purposeful leaps and violent full-body flings. Capes can become crutches if incorporated into one’s solo for too long. Look at me, passing off my half-baked ballroom theories as facts. Who do I think I am? I must be high as a kite. I can only assume Evan and Anna chose a song by Evanescence (”Bring Me to Life”) to really drive home the point that powerful manliness is the essence of Evan. But a safer assumption is that the song was used for Twilight and ABC had all these creepy prop trees lying around anyway, so this would be the perfect opportunity to reveal that Evan Lysacek is a vampire. It explains why he’s so driven. Ask Frank Carroll, Scott Hamilton, PopWatch on Ice correspondent Kristi Yamaguchi, Vera Wang, and Evan’s mom. They’ll confirm it. Also, you guys? Evan Lysacek is hot.

Nicole Scherzinger and Derek Hough: 30 + 29 = 59/60 It’s so odd that a lovely Hawaiian woman and her surfer dude partner visited the ballroom on a Monday night instead of a Tuesday for this pro exhibition. Oh, wait, this was Nicole and Derek! Honestly, their Argentine tango was so sinuous, controlled, and all-around perfect that they looked like a professional couple. It was amazing. I especially loved the series of leg-hooks in the middle and Nicole’s various splits extensions during the lifts. I’ve never been one to seriously protest an advanced dancer moving on in the competition, and I was supremely happy to see a routine this impressive in the semifinals. I’d doubt even Nicole’s naysayers could deny she and Derek were a joy to watch here. There was nary an annoying facial expression! (They saved those for the Latin round.) I liked that they kept their faces muted; it made their moves seem more contained and correct. Derek did have a rather violent guppy face at the end, but perhaps he had just remembered his neck injury. Carrie Ann cried (?!), Bruno used Nicole’s tango as an opportunity to repeat one of his favorite words, ”deeper,” three times, and DANCMSTR took over Niecy’s talking-about-food post by comparing the routine to his grandmother’s apple pie.

Purple reigned during ”Kiss,” the couple’s tribute to Prince. Why wear one raspberry beret on your head when you can use 30 of them to warm your calves? I loved the Prince-inspired costumes, but the gimmick did make the dance feel more like a freestyle, or at least a cha cha/freestyle hybrid called the Chair Chair Chair. After Nicole’s opening solo that DANCMSTR said ”showed off your dance talent, not necessarily the cha cha cha,” Derek and Nicole pretty much mouthed the words to the entire song. I did like that Nicole’s kiss-blowing occurred a full beat after ”Prince” said the first ”kiss,” but Derek had to go and punctuate the second ”kiss” with a firm whack to Nicole’s ass. Grandma Tutu loved it! Carrie Ann was definitely feeling the aloha. And Sean ”Diddy” Combs thinks Nicole is a winner, so feel free to scoot back a little from your perch on the edge of your CHAIR, and relax a little. Let yourself ride out the waves of tranquility provided by Derek’s puffy shirt — the only shirt in the Latin round, by the way. You can rest easy now that you know who Diddy supports in Dancing With the Stars season 10. Mahalo.

NEXT: Flex, Maks, flex. Good Maks. Woot!

Erin Andrews and Maksim Chmerkovskiy: 27 + 29 = 56/60 My notes for Erin’s ballroom round, the Viennese waltz, read as follows: ”Crazy complicated braided ‘do…electric blue satin gown OR IS IT PANTS? YES. PANTS!” The ”yes” was more of a solemn confirmation than an endorsement. On the upside, no one could tell Erin’s legs were shaking (until she told us). I admired Erin’s pointed toes even during the pair’s most severe wraparound-leg situation, and I could tell her moves were more fluid than usual. I just couldn’t believe how much time they spent moseying over to the steps and having a seat at the end. Erin even tried to put her head on Maks’ shoulder and it was like no, too soon, just sit there a few more beats and then you can do that! ”The Sideline Sweetheart,” indeed. They were ”like a symphony in blue,” rhapsodized Our Lady of Perpetual Metaphor, who accidentally held up his ’10’ paddle even though his score for Erin and Maks was a 9. ”It’s the semifinals!” cried Bruno in self-defense. You make a strong case for yourself there, your highness, but you still held up the wrong paddle.

Lady ‘Phor whipped out his ’10’ paddle for real after Erin’s Latin routine, the paso doble. And that, my friends, is How Erin Got Her Smile Back, peephole stalker be damned. Erin’s sexy solo was apparently too hot for TV, because the camera suddenly cut to a dark wasteland right in the middle of it. DANCMSTR didn’t think the solo was paso-y enough. ”This is a funky monkey type of paso doble,” he said, claiming he didn’t know whether to judge based on talent (Erin’s) or the dance (Maks’). At least I think all of this occurred — I was pretty distracted by the WALL OF FRINGE hanging as if suspended from a college-dorm doorway behind Tom, Erin, and Maks during judging. Anyway. The cut and shape of Erin’s hot-panted costume were similar to Mel B.’s in season 5, and reader Colleen has pointed out that Maks looked like a black-and-gold version of Aladdin. The Ukraine’s No. 1 Street Rat stumbled backward after their final paso pose, causing Bruno to follow up a compliment about the standard of dancing throughout the season with an incredulous ”You were the one who f—ed up!” aimed toward Maks. To make up for his dismal error, Maks posed in the celebriquarium for Brooke Boobs & Beyond with flexed muscles in various Greek-statue-esque contortions. After season 10 is over, I think I’ll pour all my ballroom-specific energy into a novel called Maksim Flexed. It’ll be like Atlas Shrugged but more epic. You’ll love it.

Chad Ochocinco and Cheryl Burke: 27 + 25 = 52/60 Chad really has come a long way. His waltz showed ”new posture, new elegance, and never-ending movement,” according to Carrie Ann. It’s possible that Chad and Cheryl were totally making out during their final pose, and that’s not the only way they’re working well together. I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a zinger against the ‘zinger quite like Chad and Cheryl’s during rehearsal for their waltz. ”They should give you an advanced partner next time. You won’t be frustrated so much. You could be like Derek for a change,” Chad recited while in closed hold. ”That’s not what the show’s about,” Cheryl replied quietly, as if she wasn’t sure he could quite handle this giant chocolate egg of pure truth she had just laid on him. It was the perfect hybrid of sneaky and blatant — the delivery was so sly yet you knew they had scripted it entirely. I got goosebumps. I’m not proud of this. In a perfect world, flawless ballroom routines would give a ballroom dancing reality show recapper goosebumps instead of catty comments. But nobody’s perfect, except DANCMSTR. Len echoed the C & C Ballroom Factory’s point during his critique of their waltz by saying that the other contestants climb hills, but Chad must climb mountains. Not in those sheer khaki-colored jammies, I hope.

NEXT: Chad’s pecs perform a samba solo

Oh, dear God. Dear Lord Mirrorballus, in your shimmering throne on high. That samba. That gold-curtained, tattoo-saturated, visual feast of a samba. I take back anything even slightly negative I ever said about Chad, for I had no idea he looked that delish with zero fabric draped over the top half of his body. We’d seen hints of Chad’s greatness before — sheer blouses, cropped jackets, etc., but nothing like this. After that silly shirt came off, he was completely monochromatic, yet still wearing pants! His pecs practically performed their own solo! I’d call them hidden gems if they weren’t so huge and hadn’t achieved such height on their leaps. I do wonder if it was wise to dance to Lady Gaga’s ”Alejandro,” a song that repeats the lyric ”Don’t call my name” again and again. You do want them to pick up the phone and vote, you know. Brooke would mention that just as soon as she got through a sentence that began, ”Now, Chad, in your package we saw how hard you worked for everything…” You could tell Chad was thinking the same two words he uttered as soon as he was born: ”Child, please.”

One more thing: Just because it’s called the ”Viennese Waltz” does not mean it belongs to Vienna, or that Vienna should attempt to dance it, or that Vienna should ever be featured on-camera ever, ever, evienner, again.

My Week 9 Crazy Costume Watch photo gallery will be up later this morning; I’ll link when it’s ready. Who goes home tonight? Remember to nominate your Hidden Gems of the Week over at PopWatch, and I’ll see you tomorrow for the elimination recap!

Annie’s Week 8 Crazy Costume Watch photo gallery

‘TreasureQuest: Readers pick Hidden Gems of the Week!

Join the EW DANCMSTRs group on Facebook

EW.com’s Dancing With the Stars Central

Annie on Twitter: @EWAnnieBarrett

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