Bachelor in Paradise recap: Cry Me An Ocean

Honestly, at this point, if the ocean could talk, I’m pretty sure it’d say that it was jealous of the Iaconetti family’s tear ducts, because there seems to be a limitless supply of water there. (And unfortunately for us, that comes with an unlimited supply of snot.) So with that in mind, I’d like to welcome you all back to paradise, where crabs run free, and the only paradise-like thing seems to be the open bar.

We pick up right where left off last week, with everyone congratulating themselves on making it through the first ceremony. Well, everyone except Lauren, who is already crying and saying she wants to go home. At this point, she’s sweaty, she’s hot, and she’s sick of being around people all the time. In other words, this is her “personal hell.” I would make fun of her for that statement, but I also hate being sweaty, and again, the crabs.

Apparently, Lauren came on the show hoping to meet Joshua, the welder from Kaitlyn’s season … so that they could talk about what exactly? Personally, I see no correlation between the two—unless she just loved his huge Wreck-It Ralph hands—but Ashley is hoping that Joshua is the next guy to arrive so that she can convince her sister to never, ever leave her side.

(Can you imagine these two as kids? They were definitely the kids sobbing so loudly in the restaurant that every couple around them didn’t have sex that night.)

So with the kick-off of week two, Lauren has agreed to stay one more day to see if Joshua shows up and if they can find some way to bond. But first, let’s catch up with everyone else:

Ashley S is “kind of scared of the jellyfish,” which might be the most normal thing she’s ever said, and just in case you need a status update on her relationship with Dan: If a jellyfish stung him, she wouldn’t pee on him, but she would pee in a cup and give it to him. So she definitely likes him, but I’d say “love” isn’t in the picture quite yet.

Then there’s JJ, who—like most of America—can’t figure out why Tenley likes him. Oh, and let’s not forget about Mikey’s ponytail, who can’t stop complimenting Clare and telling her how good she looks in a sun dress, which is a highly specific compliment, but she’ll take it.

Meanwhile, Lauren decides to let it slip that she has a man back home. She’s crazy in love with him, but she wouldn’t exactly call him her boyfriend… but that’s probably because she’s a member of the Dirty Mistresses Club. Just kidding, because Lauren has no idea what the word “mistress” means. Apparently, this fella isn’t married, but he is involved with someone else.

And as it so often does, the thought of being some man’s second choice sends Lauren into a sob spiral, because she just misses it so much, you know? (Can you imagine how hard she’d cry if she were someone’s first choice?)

Okay, really producers? Never ever do I need to watch a full minute of someone blowing her nose. Ever.

But you might want to wipe your tears Lauren, because Joshua just showed up in paradise! Who woulda thunk?!

To answer your three biggest questions: Yes, Juelia made a stupid welder-sparks joke; yes, JJ and Joshua still hate each other; and yes, Joshua has a date card!

NEXT: JJ vs. Joshua

But before Tenley can make her move on the first man she’s really been attracted to—sorry, JJ—Ashley pulls him away to tell him that her sister has been hoping he would show up. And then she walks away. Apparently, that one sentence was her idea of “selling her sister.” (So we probably shouldn’t add “wingwoman” to her list of talents.)

After that great set-up, Lauren makes her move on Joshua, which consists of her asking if he likes aggressive girls and just generally talking at him. By the time Tenley steals him away, Lauren is done trying to win him over. (Yeah, and she says her sister doesn’t have game.)

It’s okay though, Lauren didn’t even get to smell his pheromones yet, so how could she know if it’s true love?

With Joshua off talking to Tenley, we get our first round of JJ insults for the night. Trust me, he’s got a million of ‘em.

Shockingly, Mr. Confident over here doesn’t see Joshua as a threat. He thinks giving a date card to Joshua is like “giving nuclear codes to an insane asylum.” You can do with that what you will, but Joshua just asked Tenley on his date, so does that make her insane? And more importantly, do we think JJ’s still trying to prove he’s funny from that one time Amy Schumer called him a turd?

Once Joshua and Tenley spread the happy news, Lauren can’t help but wonder why the world is so awful to her. (You know, because a free trip to Mexico is the definition of awful.)

Minutes later, Lauren’s bags are packed. Despite Ashley yelling at her that she’ll always be a mistress—which really didn’t need so many repetitions of the phrase “number two”—Lauren drags her suitcase through the sand and heads home, leaving Ashley to sob like a 5 year old who just lost her favorite doll.

As for JJ, well, he’s gone full caveman, giving up words for the good old-fashioned grunt.

But don’t worry, JJ quickly regains his language skills, and as expected, he has a million things to say about Joshua, including that if Joshua were a catch, he’d be a carp, dredging the ocean floor. Oh, nothing burns quite like a fishing metaphor, amirite? But wait, he’s not done: Joshua-and-girls is like water in California—a rarity.

Final thoughts: JJ thinks Tenley is like a princess in a Disney movie, and he’s never seen one that ends with a blacksmith getting a girl. The takeaway, of course, is that JJ thinks Disney movies are realistic!

I’m cutting JJ off there, because for some reason, the image of him crying when Mufasa dies is the most I’ve ever liked him.

So while Joshua and Tenley head out on their date, Joe shows up in paradise… and something’s different. Did he get his teeth done? Or did he smooth out the crease between his eyes? Something’s off. Well, I should say that something’s off both physically and mentally, because despite the fact that all the guys have described Joe as being “hilarious,” he literally doesn’t have any thoughts right now. Not a single one.

NEXT: Joshua like Tenley… and Molly

Sitting in painful silence, the only time Joe speaks is to call Clare out on the fact that this is her second time in paradise. And of course that sends Clare running to talk to a producer raccoon, who is clearly the only one who knows how to do paradise right—laying back with some wine in hand and drowning out Clare.

On take two, Joe pretty much asks everyone he’s talking to if someone wants to go on his horseback riding date with him, and it’s Juelia who volunteers as tribute. Meanwhile, Jonathan hopes Joe falls off his horse, breaks his leg and has to go home. Not only is it specific, but Jonathan repeats it twice, so you know he means it.

Moving to Joshua and Tenley’s date, Joshua talks about his theater background and Tenley reveals that she played a Japanese Ariel for Tokyo Disney. Also, she likes “really big guys.” (No comment.)

From there, we get some talk of Joshua’s bear hands, followed by those hands twirling Tenley around the dance floor as the camera unfortunately cuts to JJ, who considers Joshua a blind squirrel—he finds a nut every now and then but he just can’t crack it. As far as JJ’s concerned, Joshua doesn’t have game. (Then again, he’s not watching him shimmy right about now.)

The moment Tenley returns from her date, JJ attempts to sweep her away, but their time together includes a quick makeout—excuse me`, JJ would like us to know that they kissed SEVERAL times—before Tenley is back in Joshua’s arms for a half-naked makeout while JJ goes to sleep.

What does sleeping JJ think? Well, he feels that Joshua’s threat level is “negative infinity.” After all, JJ is playing chess, and Josh is playing tic-tac-toe. (And it looks like Tenley prefers the latter.)

The next morning, Juelia confides in Jared about how much she misses her daughter and how she hasn’t had romantic feelings for anyone yet—sorry Jonathan—but she’s excited for her date with Joe. Speaking of that date, it might be the most boring thing I’ve ever watched.

First, they ride horses. Then, they picnic by a waterfall, where Joe blows smoke up Juelia’s ass while she talks about her daughter. Finally, they lake a literal leap of faith into the water and makeout. The end.

Back at the house, Josh is keeping things interesting with fun facts: Did you know that in LA you can buy a coconut that somehow has Molly in it? And did you know that taking Molly can lead to crazy hangovers where you wake up in Vegas with no cash and no memories? (Um, yeah we do Josh, we’ve all seen The Hangover.)

Also, was Ashley I doing water aerobics in the pool? And another fun fact: Mikey has definitely never done Molly, if only for the fact that he calls it “popping Mollys.”

One Vegas story later, Mikey and Dan feel it’s their duty to update Tenley, who’s never done a drug in her life—because if anything’s a red flag, it’s taking hallucinogens.

Tenley goes straight to Josh to ask him if he’s a partier. His response? Maybe in college but not anymore. Ohhhh, she’s asking about the Molly? That was a one-time thing at a Bachelor party, and to be honest, Josh thinks it’s totally overrated.

NEXT: Mikey gets a clue

Meanwhile, JJ is still talking about Josh and how life for Tenley in Idaho would mean pot roast every night, a log fire, and a 1975 pick-up truck. (Is this accurate, because I might be moving to Idaho. I really like pot roast.)

But JJ finally shuts up when Tenley decides she will get to know him a little bit better after she takes a “mind break”—which is what watching this show is for me. They agree to talk later.

From one date aftermath to the next, Joe and Juelia return home with two completely different outlooks on how the date went. Joe clearly couldn’t care less, and Juelia’s about ready to walk down the aisle. But we’ll get back to them in a minute.

First, some of the women inform Dan that Clare doesn’t actually like Mikey. (You mean, like she told him on their date?) Of course, Dan runs straight to Mikey, but Mikey’s first reaction is to doubt the information. How would they know? It’s not like they live with Clare or anything. Oh wait, they live with Claire? Damn. Must be true. Sorry, Mikey.

Did Ashley I just pee ON the beach? Again, so sorry about all this, Mexico.

Okay, now we can get back to Juelia and Joe. After Juelia ends things with Jonathan, she proceeds to tell everyone what a great guy Joe is and how genuine he is and how great their kiss was. Meanwhile, in a conversation with a producer, Joe asks, “She’s not very smart, is she?” He then reveals that his date with Juelia “wasn’t with the right person.” And the kiss? “Wasn’t good.”

So why did Joe go along with it? Because he wants the rose. In his ideal scenario, he gets Juelia’s rose this week and waits for the arrival of Samantha from Chris’ season, and then he proceeds to sweep Samantha off her feet. Of course, that’s banking on Samantha never seeing this footage.

So if you had any hope of liking Joe this season, I’m sorry. Looks like paradise is getting a taste of the Joe that Kaitlyn dumped and not the nice guy he was before then.

But the drama isn’t over yet. Just as Jared gets a date card and Ashley I explains how everything she’s ever wanted “is in him”—I can’t make this stuff up—Jared asks Clare on his date and she says yes. Ashley’s response: She’s 34! “Her eggs are almost dead!” Well sure, but what’s better: No kids or kids who cry like an Iaconetti?

Finally, after all that, Mikey starts to understand that Clare might not like him after all. IRL he totally would’ve beaten up Jared, but because they’re at paradise, he decides to yell at Clare instead. Feeling disrespected, he claims Clare wasn’t honest with him, because refusing to kiss him apparently wasn’t clear enough.

The best comment of this whole thing comes from Kirk: “Mikey’s wedding vision board is ruined.” There’s the Kirk I loved.

By the end of the hour, somehow not only is Jared the new “villain,” but JJ is saying “villains gotta vill” again. Oh, and Clare, Mikey, and Ashley I are all crying.

And that’s where we end things. I’ll see you all tomorrow. Until then, I’m going to focus on not crying—just to even things out in the world—and see if I can find those bitchin’ gold sunglasses that Jonathan wore.

ncG1vNJzZmidp2OwsLmOq5ycmaBkr6Kvx56jqKpdnrtuvMCrmJ2ho5p6tLHArKanZWJisrG10qibnmVjZA%3D%3D